i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
