I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
