If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
