He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Randomize
