if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
