remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
