You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
