the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
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