your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
