He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Randomize
