laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
