I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Randomize
