I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
