I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
