A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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