i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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