Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
