I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Randomize
