I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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