just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
