Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
