he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
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