I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Lo siento on account of my penis...
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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