im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
