Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
