My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
