Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
