Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
