Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
