Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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