Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
