Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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