I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
