Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
