grandma shit on top of the toilet
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
this is an emotional support booty call
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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