The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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