i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
