she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize
