she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
sick fucks of a feather flock together
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
