My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
We were destined to go to rehab together
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
