I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
