my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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