planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
NoShamevember. You game?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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