My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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