There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
