i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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