You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I got inside last night via doggy door
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
