matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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