Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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