well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
