Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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